


A Farmer's Twin Helpers

by WindChimeGhost



Category: The Matrix (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Ghosts, Humor, Sillyfic, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-24
Updated: 2003-09-24
Packaged: 2017-10-12 22:13:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/129692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindChimeGhost/pseuds/WindChimeGhost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Twins are lost, their car's out of gas, and the only place in sight to ask for help is an old worn down farm. They soon discover that it's owned by an old and near deaf farmer who mistakes the Twins for new farmhands.</p><p> </p><p>  <strong>~ This fanfic has been discontinued ~</strong></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Shack

**Author's Note:**

> ~ Critique not desired ~
> 
>  
> 
> **This is a discontinued fanfic that will not be updated again. It remains as it is.**
> 
>  
> 
> This fanfic is not to be taken seriously. It's a fun/wild fic that I wrote a long time ago, or started to write anyway. And I wrote it purely for humor and to vent silliness. Actually, my friend, RC, gave me the idea for this and provided some of the ideas for the gags.
> 
> Since I haven't had a writing muse for this fic in years, and will probably never finish it, I'm marking it as 'complete' to give it closure. If later on in the future I ever get the sudden urge to continue it on, I'll open it back up.
> 
>  
> 
> The Matrix and all related characters © Wachowski brothers / Warner Brothers
> 
> Fanfic plot created and ©2003 myself

The black and shiny Escalade pulled up the rough gravel driveway and stopped a little ways from the front porch of a weather-beaten old house. A windmill squeakily turned off to the side of the yard while several barns stood in the back of the house. The house itself leaned a little and was a sight to behold. Paint peeled from its white sides, shutters hung on their hinges, and junk of every sort was piled on old wooden benches on the porch.

"You sure someone lives here?" Two asked after looking the place over.

"They'd better or we're in trouble, no thanks to you." One put the car in park and turned it off.

"I said I was sorry for reading the map wrong, okay? Anyone can make a mistake."

"Well when you work for the Merovingian, you don't make mistakes. Now he's going to be furious because we aren't going to meet him on time. Worse, the car's out of petrol too."

One leaned back in his seat and sighed before grabbing for the door handle.

"You stay in here while I go see if someone lives in this forsaken place."

One got out and carefully walked up to the porch steps. A yellow and white cat sprinted off to the side and around the corner to get away from the stranger. One walked up the creaky old steps and made his way to the screen door and pounded on it. A few minutes passed before the wooden door on the other side slowly opened and an old farmer appeared. The farmer looked at One through the screen. He was dressed in blue overalls, a red and white checked shirt, and an old straw hat. His face was worn and wrinkled with age, had one eye half closed, and his chin was covered in a white beard.

"What can I do fer ya?" the old man asked in a low hillbilly voice.

"We're lost and need help finding our way." One slowly said while still looking the man over through the screen door.

"Eh? What's that? You say you need a place to stay?" the man came closer to the door. One's eyebrows raised a little.

"No. We need help finding our way." One again said, a little louder this time.

"Speak up, sonny, I can't hear ya."

One sighed in frustration and looked toward their car where Two was waiting and watching.

"Our car is out of petrol and we are lost and need you to show us the way to get back to the main highway."

The old man blinked his eyes and looked at One for a few seconds as if trying to figure out what he had just said.

"Nope, the police don't ever patrol this area. Too far out in the sticks, but you're welcome to stay here if ya want. Got an extra bedroom in the back of the house."

One's nose flared and his temper rose, but he tried to keep himself calm. A part of him wanted bad to reach for his razor nestled in one of his silver coat's pockets and threaten the old man, but he stopped himself.

"Alright, we'll stay." One finally sighed. The old farmer's eyes twinkled with excitement at having visitors and invited One inside his home.

"Just a minute while I go get my brother." One turned.

"You aren't a bother at all." The old man said.

"No, no, my brother. See?" One pointed out to the car.

"Oh yeah, sure he can stay too." the old man nodded his head.

One walked toward the steps, stepping on a loose board, which flew up and toward him. Just before the board had a chance to hit him in the face, One phased allowing the board to pass through him and fall back down. He reappeared shocked but unharmed at the bottom of the steps. He stared in the porch's direction, trying to figure out what had happened.

"Sorry, been meanin' to fix that board." The old farmer called to One from behind the screen door. One shook his head and walked to the car.

"Come on, we're staying here for the night." One leaned on the door and talked to Two through the opened window.

"Stay? Here? In this place?!" Two's eyes grew big behind his shades. "This place is dirty and, and,"

"It is, after all, getting dark and we're going to have to stay somewhere. I can't make the old man understand that we need petrol for our car and directions to find our way out of here."

"What do you mean you can't make him understand?"

"The old man's half deaf and he can't make out a word I say. He kept thinking I said we need a place to stay instead of directions to find our way. And he thought I was talking about police patrolling the area instead of petrol."

Two slumped in his seat.

"Come on and bring the suitcases." One said while opening the door to roll the window up. Two grumbled and mumbled the whole time he got out and grabbed the suitcases. One grabbed the cases that belonged to him and together they walked up to the old shack.

"Careful with that board." One pointed down to the board that nearly caught him in the face earlier. The porch squeaked, creaked, and moaned with every step they took. Once or twice Two felt like the boards were going to give way and he was going to go through them.

"This is unbelievable! Humans actually live like this?" Two glanced around him to make sure there weren't anymore loose boards ready to fly up once stepped on.

"Some do I suppose." One grabbed the handle of the screen door and made his way inside the house. Two followed the best he could with his arms full of suitcases. The screen door's hinges sounded like fingernails racing against a chalkboard. Two jumped back a little at the dreadful noise and eyed the door as it slowly closed itself behind him. When it finally closed, Two shook his head and turned to face the small room they had entered in. One stood in front of him. The place was skimpy when it came to furniture, having only a few chairs, a couple of tables, and a bookshelf. The only rug was a worn out oval throw rug in the middle of the room. It was, however, occupied by an old sleeping brown lop-eared hound dog whose face was so full of wrinkles you couldn't see his eyes even if they were open. Other oddities scattered around where several oil lamps, an old antique clock, and some storing crates.

"One, we do not belong here." Two whispered in despair.

"It's not like we have a choice." One whispered back.

"Look at this place! It's like the very edge of the world or something. I can't stay here. It's too secluded." Two jerked his hand back from one of the tables and rubbed the dust from his fingers. "Not to mention filthy."

"We're going to have to bear with it for tonight. We've got to make the old-timer understand that we want petrol for the car, not a police patrol squad."

The Twins closed their conversation when the old farmer came into the room, smiling and offering his hand in a friendly greeting. Two nervously shook the man's hand.

"Twins?" the farmer looked from one to the other. They both nodded simultaneously. The little farmer chuckled, turned and sat down in one of the rocking chairs placed in the room.

"So what are yer names?" he asked.

"Better make it loud and clear." One whispered to Two.

"Uh, my name's Two."

"Drew?" the old man said.

"No, I said my name's Two." Two repeated. "You know, like the number." Two held up two fingers. The old man stared a few minutes then turned to One.

"And what's your name?"

"One." He answered.

"Wan? That's a nice name."

"NO! I said my name is One!" One shouted.

"One? One what?" the old man looked puzzled.

"Oh forget it." One shook his head.

"Well it's awful nice to meet you, Drew and Wan. You'll find an unused bedroom through that door there. Just go through the kitchen then turn to the door on your left."

The Twins lugged their suitcases through the kitchen and into the bedroom. They stopped and dropped their cases onto the floor and looked around. The place was empty except for two beds, one on each side of the room, a night table in between the beds and a chair in one corner. It was dark in the room so they could barely make out everything.

"Where's the light switch?" Two fumbled around the wall.

"Should be here somewhere." One reached out and felt with his hand.

"Forgot to light the lamp in here." The old man said, coming through another door. He walked over to the table in between the beds, struck a match and lit an oil lamp setting in the middle of the table. The room was soon filled with a bright and warm glow, which cast eerie shadows on the bare light gray walls.

"You don't have electricity?" One stuttered.

"Electricity? Nope, 'fraid not." The man hobbled through the door he had entered through and shut the door. The Twins exchanged glances then made their way to the beds.

"They look dangerous." Two whispered while looking over the thin metal bed frame that held a shaggy mattress filled with holes and patches. Two touched the top of the bed frame at the end of the bed and the thing creaked and moved a little to the side. He jerked his finger back and waited until the bed stopped moving.

"We're supposed to sleep in these?"

One shrugged before tossing a suitcase on his bed. The bed wobbled horribly from the impact of the suitcase.

"I'd hate to think what would happen if a very strong wind ever came." Two rolled his eyes.

"It wouldn't have to be a strong wind. Just a slight breeze would be enough to end this place." One opened his case and started taking out clothes. Just then the door of the room started to creak open slowly, startling the Twins. They both stopped what they were doing and eyed the door. It moaned and popped and made the most awful noises either one of them had ever heard. When it finally cracked open, the head of something peeked in. It was the old hound dog they had seen when they first came in. The pitiful old animal wandered in and looked up at the two, his huge pink tongue hanging out one side of his mouth. The poor old thing was so on in years it appeared that all the energy he could muster was used to slowly wag his tail back and forth.

"G'wan. Get!" Two waved his hand to shoo the animal away. Like any old dog, he stood and stared happily at the two not knowing that the word 'get' means to get out. He lowered his head, all of the wrinkles coming down over his eyes like folds of cloth, and began sniffing around at the suitcases lying on the floor.

"That is the grossest dog I think I've seen." One made a weird face at the dog's wrinkles.

"Come on. Get out. We don't need you in here." Two walked over and tried to push the dog away, but he only got the dog's wet tongue up the side of his face in return. "Ewww! Gross!" Two jumped back and tried wiping his cheek off. After succeeding in fulfilling his mission of greeting the guests, the dog slowly turned and walked out of the room.


	2. Trains and Teetering Beds

"Chow is on the table." The old man shouted through the little shack. For a person almost deaf, he sure did have a mighty powerful voice. The Twins made their way to the small round table placed in the middle of the scrunched up kitchen. A flickering oil lamp in the middle of the table gave the only light. The kitchen was so small and crowded you'd have to be careful and not fall out of the window when you reached across the table for the salt and pepper. Or at least that's how Two felt about it. The place was just big enough for one person, a table, several more crates of canned food, a small wood stove, and a pump handle sink, and even then it was cramped. Two extra people made it totally unbearable.

The Twins seated themselves the best they could around the table. Two was wedged between a storage cabinet and the wood box beside the stove and One's chair was half in the doorway of the room the farmer had given them to spend the night in and half in the kitchen. They stopped when they looked at the tin plates in front of them. Knowing that the man couldn't hear well, Two didn't bother with asking what kind of food it was and tapped the man on the arm. When he got the guy's attention, Two pointed at the plate and gave a questioning look.

"Oh, that's chitlins and possum belly. You'll love it." the old man chuckled before diving into his own plate. The Twins wrinkled their noses and looked at each other. Two felt like he was going to be queasy.

"Here's some cornbread to sop it up with." The man handed the Twins a small plate of cornbread. Two forced a smile and accepted the plate then looked at One again. For a few minutes the Twins eyed the old farmer as he ate. The guy soon looked up at the blank faces before him.

"What are yer waitin' for? Dig in, friends. There's plenty for everyone."

Two calmly set the plate of cornbread down on the table and picked up a fork. Poking at the slop in front of him, he just couldn't bring himself around to eating it and placed the fork back down.

"So which one of you is Drew again?" the man looked up, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Not Drew, Two! My name's Two."

"You'll have to talk a little louder, sonny, I'm a might hard of hearin'."

"You're telling me." Two mumbled under his breath. "I said that my name is Two!" Two shouted.

"Too what? The food too rich fer ya?"

Two slapped his forehead in frustration and sighed.

After dinner the Twins walked into the man's living room, if you could even call it that. The old hound dog lay sprawled out on his rug in the middle of the floor.

"What do you do for entertainment around here?" One shouted at the farmer. The man pointed to the bookshelf before seating himself in one of the rocking chairs. Two walked over to the shelf and tried to make out the names on the ends of them, but it was too dark to see anything.

"Hand me that lamp will you, One?"

One picked up the oil lamp and handed it to Two. After looking the books over, Two picked up one, walked over to a table and set the lamp down. He was about to sit down in the chair that was placed by the table, but stopped himself and looked down before rubbing his hand over it. Two groaned.

"What's wrong with you now?" One whispered, looking up at Two.

"I can't sit in this chair."

"Why?"

"It's too dusty! It'll get my lovely coat dirty."

"Well wipe it out."

"With what?" Two placed his book on the table.

"With a cloth."

"What cloth?"

"I don't know. Go find one somewhere. There should be one around here, knowing how much other junk's here."

Two wanted to stomp the ground with his foot but decided to walk into one of the other rooms to look for a cloth instead. He came back with a white rag of some kind, which he firmly wiped the dust out of the chair with. One glanced over at the farmer. The old man's head was leaning to the side, his mouth open, and snoring.

"Wish I could fall asleep that fast." One said to himself before looking down at the book he was reading. He looked back up and in Two's direction at the noise his brother was making. Two was busily cleaning the arms and back of the chair while talking to himself, or to the chair. One couldn't tell who it was he was mumbling to. In his frustration, Two picked up the pillow propped up in the back of the chair and threw it, hitting One in the head.

"Two! What on earth's the matter with you?" One gasped for air after the pillow hitting him caused a dust cloud to irrupt. He sneezed and coughed a few times while struggling to get the pillow away from him. He grabbed onto the troublesome thing and threw it to another corner of the room. The old hound heard the noise and shot up from the floor as fast as his old body would allow and started howling the best he could.

"Sit down!" One managed to get out before sneezing again. He motioned for Two to sit down in the chair he had been cleaning. Two did as he was told.

"Oh shut up!" One called over to the dog, who was still howling and barking at the pillow. The dog whimpered a little then shut up and lay back down.

It was soon time for bed. The farmer woke up from his nap and made his way into the bedroom that was beside the Twins' room. Two was cautious about getting in his bed and eased himself up and into it trying not to make very much movement for fear of the whole thing collapsing onto the floor.

"I'll be glad when we get out of here." He said, finally settling down and reaching for the sheet.

"Where's your sense of adventure?" One smirked.

"I like adventure, but this is too much!"

One reached over and turned out the oil lamp before they both settled down in their beds. With each movement they made, the beds creaked and groaned.

"Perfect. I'm gonna have to hear that each time I roll over." Two said through the darkness.

At that moment, something else got the Twins' attention. The room suddenly began to vibrate and shake like an earthquake. It got worse and worse. Both of them sat up in bed and looked at each other while feeling the shaking. The oil lamp on the table started to dance around, making its way to the very edge. One caught it before it fell off and set it back.

"One, what's that?" Two whispered.

"I don't know."

It wasn't long before the shaking got so bad that the beds started to move across the floor. An ear-piercing whistle sounded through the chaos and the roar of a train drowned out everything else.

"He didn't say this place was beside a train track!" One shouted to Two while he held onto the bed as it scooted itself across the floor to the other wall.

"What?!" Two shouted back, not hearing what One said because of the noise. Two's bed walked across the room too and stopped when it got to a wall. Before the train left, though, the beds walked back to where they had been before and stopped. After the last of the train was heard going by, both Two and One were pretty well shaken up.

"No wonder that old man's hard of hearing. Living here all of your life with that going by all the time would be enough to make someone lose their hearing." Two breathed, letting go of the bed when he saw it wasn't going to move anymore.

"I wonder if there's anything else we should know." One looked around the dark room while running his fingers through his dreadlocked hair.

"Don't say that!" Two gasped.

Both of them stayed awake for several minutes, making sure another train wasn't going to come through.


	3. Milking the Cow

"Rise and shine everyone!" the farmer's voice rang out loud and clear, waking the Twins up. Two jumped up a few inches off of the bed in a startled daze then came back down, causing the bed to give way and crash to the floor. Two groaned and held his head a few minutes then looked at the flattened bed. One peered down at him.

"Having fun, dear brother?"

Two slowly turned his head and gave One an agitated look.

"What time is it?" Two ran his hand through his hair.

"From what I can make out, it's about four." One answered, snapping his watch closed.

"In the morning?!"

One nodded.

"The sun isn't even up yet!"

"Well we'd better get up before he shouts again."

After dressing, the Twins made their way into the kitchen where the little old farmer was cooking breakfast. Remembering the dinner he fixed the previous night, the Twins shuddered and kindly refused to eat anything. Good thing they didn't have to eat unless they wanted to.

"Well if you aren't going to eat anything, you can start on the chores." The farmer said, sitting down in one of the kitchen's chairs.

"Chores?" both Twins said together.

"Yup. There're buckets out in the barn. You can start by milking old Bossy."

"Who's old Bossy?" One shouted.

"My cow, of course. Where else would you get milk at?"

The Twins turned paler than usual. Milk a cow? They didn't know how to milk a cow. In fact they had never seen a cow up close before. Two wasn't sure if he even knew what a cow was. Being closed up in a chateau and being programmed for assassin and bodyguard work, the Twins weren't exactly familiar with certain things, especially when it dealt with 'country living'. Since the Merovingian had no use for animals and didn't own any, the Twins definitely weren't familiar with all the many kinds.

"One! Ask him about the petrol." Two nudged One's arm.

"Listen, mister, we've never worked on a farm before. We don't know one thing about milking cows. We're nothing but two strangers in need of gas for our car. If you have any to spare we'll be glad to get out of your way."

It was no use; the farmer didn't hear one word One had said to him. Two and One looked at each other then turned to go outside.

"I don't know how to milk a cow! Er, whatever a cow is." Two whined as they walked out in the backyard toward one of the barns.

"That's why I brought this along." One took out a book from his coat pocket.

"What is it?" Two squinted in the morning darkness trying to make out what One had pulled out.

"It's a book on farming and farm life. I was reading it last night, until you hit me with that dust infested pillow!" One glared at Two. Two grinned sheepishly.

"So what does the book say about milking cows?"

"Dunno. I'll have to find it."

The Twins stopped in front of the huge barn and struggled with opening the door. Once the barn door was open, they both walked inside.

"So where is this cow thing at? It's so dark in here." Two cautiously walked in. One reached for a lantern and lit it. Its light revealed a huge barn filled with several stalls and shelves and bales of hay.

"I guess these are the buckets the old man was talking about." One took one of the big buckets hanging on one of the barn's walls and handed it to Two. Two stared at it for a minute.

"What's wrong?" One asked.

"Why are we here? Why are we doing this?" Two muttered. One ignored Two's complaining and took another bucket and shoved Two in the direction of one of the stalls. They walked down the cleared path and looked into each stall until they came upon one having a huge brown cow standing in it, calmly chewing.

"That's a cow?" Two tilted his head a little.

"Yeah I guess. It looks like the one in this picture." One handed Two the book. Two looked at the picture then back at the cow in front of him.

"Can't be. The one in this picture looks like a Dalmatian. It has white and black spots while this one's brown."

"Guess they can come in different colors." One shrugged, placing the lantern on a shelf in the stall. "Here let me have the book."

Two handed the book to One then backed up a little when the cow moved restlessly. The Twins stared a minute at the beast in front of them, then looked at each other.

"Which end are you supposed to milk?" Two asked.

"They show the bucket setting under the cow. About right in there." One pointed as he looked at the pictures in his guidebook.

Two picked up one of the buckets and set it under the cow like the picture in the book showed. Both Twins stood and waited as if the cow would do something on her own.

"It's not doing anything." Two whispered. He walked closer and was about to touch the cow's back when One shouted at him.

"Don't touch it! You don't know where it's been!"

Two quickly pulled his hand back.

"Do you suppose you have to put money in it?"

"Don't be silly. This thing's alive, not a soda machine." One turned another page in the book. "At least I think it's alive. Hasn't moved much since we came in here has it?"

Two shook his head slowly.

"Maybe if we get out and leave it alone it'll do something. Us being in here may be making it nervous." Said Two.

"It shows here that we have to help it give the milk."

"What?!"

"See. It shows them squeezing the milk out of the cow."

"You have got to be kidding me! There is no way I am going to touch that thing!"

"Well I certainly am not going to touch it." One pulled the book back. "So you're going to have to do it."

"Uh uh, you are." Two shook his head.

"Get down there and milk that thing!" One shoved Two toward the cow.

"Can't we just get a vacuum cleaner, hook it up to the cow and suck the milk out of it?"

One looked at his brother and smiled.

"Not a bad idea. You stay here while I go see if I can find what we need." One shut his book and walked past Two.

A few minutes later, One returned without a vacuum.

"Where's the vacuum?" Two asked.

"Haven't you forgotten something? We're out in the middle of nowhere without electricity."

Two's face lowered.

"So I guess it's up to you to milk it."

"I am NOT gonna milk that thing!" Two backed up against the stall wall and shook his head.

One looked around the barn before his eyes caught sight of a box of powdered soap setting on one of the shelves.

"Two, I have an idea. Give me one of those buckets."

Two handed the bucket to One.

"Stay here and I'll be right back." One said before running off. Two looked in a puzzling way. A little while after, One returned with the bucket full of water. Setting the bucket down he snatched the box of soap he had seen and opened it.

"We're going to wash the cow?" Two asked.

"No. We're going to make a bucket of milk." One emptied the box of soap into the bucket of water then took a stick propped up in one corner of the stall and stirred the water until the soap made some good sized suds.

"See? Milk has suds sometimes. The old farmer won't know that it's not milk." One grinned.

"Yeah, but suds disappear from water after awhile you know. He'll find out that it's not milk then."

"It's either this or milking the cow. Which do you prefer?"

"Maybe he won't find out." Two said after a moment of thought.

"Ok, now hand me that other bucket and I'll go fill it up."

When the Twins had finished filling up the buckets with soapy water, they returned to the shack and gave their so-called 'milk' to the farmer. He looked at it mysteriously, shrugged, and put it down in a corner before turning to the Twins again.

"I want you two to ride out to the cornfield and pick the corn now. I'll go out and saddle you up a couple of horses."

The farmer walked past the Twins and out the door. Two and One looked at each other and groaned before following.


End file.
